Yes, there are plenty of days that I want to quit. Days that I think I could go back to some relatively reliable job, with benefts, and a sure salary. That a job is reliable or sure is a falsehood we tell ourselves. In practice, not many of us are laid off or part of companies that shut down, but it happens.
Being a solo agency owner and working from home can be lonely. Sure, I have various friends and contractors that weave in and out of working for me and a virtual assistant that saves my sanity. They are great people but we’re all focused and efficient people. There are days I miss water cooler talk. I miss what I now know to be low expecations of corporate America. I miss pissing away 30 minutes on something completely and utterly unimportant at work and not being stressed or feel guilty that I have things that I really should have been doing. I miss having vacation days that everyone understands are mine to take. I can only co-work so much before it’s too much distraction.
Being a solo female agency owner, in the south, in a metropolitan area comprised by mostly men doing what I do, feels even more lonely. Lady agency entrepreneurs of Little Rock and Central Arkansas, hit me up and let’s have lunches and dinners and mastermind groups and get our kids together and be friends. I promise, I’m available. Let’s start a good ol’ girls’ clubs and build each other up. The boys can play too, sometimes.
What is it that makes it appear that men can approach business ownership much more confidently? That they can assume office spaces with leases I can only imagine the burden of. What are they trading for the wordly appearance of success? Is it that they have spouses that encourage and support them? I love my spouse, but we struggle when it comes to whose career is more important or if I need to work late or go to professional meetings. How do men business owners juggle a working spouse and kids and property without putting all of those things in a clearly inferior priority position?
There are days I get down on myself about being purposefully small. I’m not disappointed in myself but I am not satisfied yet. I often feel like I am waiting. Waiting for that next vote of confidence from a client. Waiting to know that my spouse is be proud and my champion, even when needing to be away from home is inconvenient. Waiting for answers from God about that next stage of growth. Waiting for all of it to get easier.
Yes, I am looking for the pity party tonight but it is just tonight. I am certain I am where I should be. I am grateful for the flexibility I have. I am grateful for the honest and rewarding work that clients have granted me. I am grateful for the referrals of peers. I am constantly amazed at the esteem that some people ascribe to me. It often is such a wonderment to me. I am so much just a human and a complete mess and a lonely person, aiming to be loved. I like to believe we all are like me deep inside and that helps me keep getting up in the morning, putting one foot in front of the other.
I’m kind of on vacation next week, so that’s good.
Also, I will start posting more here. No idea what that looks like yet but this girl has got to let it out somewhere.